One Ground Momma
Yeah so I'm a stud!!! (As if this has to be said... I mean it's already a well known fact right??)
Yesterday was my first day on the 'ol Fed-Ex Ground job... and I am hopelessly lost, I'm not kidding ya'll this just is, well, its for Rock Stars ONLY!
So ya know when you get a package from the Fed-Ex guy that little scanner thing that you have to sign, the one that your never sure which was to flip it and the one that makes your signature look like that of a serial killer... yeah... that one. Did ya know it costs $3,000.00??? Holy Shit and did you know that it takes a person with the skills matching that of a rocket scientist to know how to work it? Can you see where I am going with this? I am terrified of this small, hand held, piece of gold nugget. All of the buttons, the sounds, the scanner bars, the bar codes oh yeah and the packages not to mention that all of this is done at the speed of light!!!
First stop of the day (this was repeated MANY times, and while I won't be doing all that many deliveries I still have to know HOW to do them in case I'm needed) I'll just number these steps for ya so that you won't get lost
uhhhh hummm
1) know where you are going.. as in which of the 9000 stops you are about to deliver to and or pick up from
2) Park big ass truck (this sounds easy enough, I mean hell I went thru the driving school right.... ummm yeah I parked in a parking lot with NO people and no personal vehicles to potentially damage... and while I wasn't even driving yesterday and probably won't be driving at all this week still it was overwhelming to see it done and to think that this will be me in a week or so)
3) Get package/packages to be delivered
4) Tell scanner which stop you are at make sure things such as shipper #'s and zip codes and all that other yadda yadda yadda fun shit are right or else God knows your scanner will hiss, spit and jump right out of your perfectly capable hands and bitch slap you (it's true and no I don't want to tell you how I know)
5) Scan package (this too sounds easy enough right... umm yeah EFFIN WRONG.... have you ever looked at a package you've gotten from Fed-Ex and seen how many different bar codes are on ONE freakin package seriously are they just itching to make my job HARDER??) so this step should say scan the CORRECT bar code
6) Close bulk head door (the door between the cab of the truck and the box of the truck) cause we don't want people looting the Fed-Ex fairy now do we? (this too would be much easier if said door did not outweigh me)
7) RUN................... did ya get that................ here let me tell you again........... EFFIN RUN up to business/ house (any way you look at it running and me.. well not a pretty sight, remind me to tell you about the one time I thought about taking running up as a healthy hobby.... umm did I mention I'm a smoker HELLO)
8) Get signature (back to the beginning I mentioned that most people don't know how to sign for a package on these scanner things they ALLLLLWAYS think you have handed them the scanner the wrong way, seriously do you think the Fed-Ex guy does this to watch you make an ass of yourself, NO you making an ass of yourself is wasting his precious time so just sign the damn box at the bottom) (also on another side note I learned NEVER to had the person the package first, cause it's just awkward and even more time consuming while they try to find a place to put the package while you are trying to get them to sign for it....)
9) Ask persons last name, because believe you me, your signature is NOT legible (also small side note here.. don't bother to spell your last name out loud WE are not going to type it in exactly how it should be spelled, hell your lucky if we don't assign you a totally new and much SHORTER last name by the time this is all said and done)
10) Type persons first initial and last name into the scanner so that you can close out the stop (yeah about the closing out of a stop thing... big eye opener for me here if you forget to close out a stop while you are actually at the stop and say remember when you are just about to deliver the next package (cause there is ALWAYS another package to be delivered/picked up) Fed-Ex sees that one was closed out and one opened within 1 minute of each other and they DING you, meaning that you don't make as much as you should... bunch of shit right? I thought so too
11) RUN.......................... yeah run your non-athletic, wheezing, panting ass back to the truck
12) JUMP............ yeah this too sounds easy but hello I'm lucky if I'm 5'3 these days and jumping up isn't one thing I've ever been all that good at, so this is not an easy task to complete 999 times!
So you think you want to be the Fed-Ex guy/gal? Did I mention you have an average of something like 1 minute 30 sec or less (actually now that I think of it, I'm sure it was less) at each stop to do all 12 of the above named steps???
Yeah.... I've got my work cut out for me. And all of this because I got into a pissing contest with my husband and his other Fed-Ex buddy (when, oh when will I learn to keep my mouth shut???)
Yesterday was my first day on the 'ol Fed-Ex Ground job... and I am hopelessly lost, I'm not kidding ya'll this just is, well, its for Rock Stars ONLY!
So ya know when you get a package from the Fed-Ex guy that little scanner thing that you have to sign, the one that your never sure which was to flip it and the one that makes your signature look like that of a serial killer... yeah... that one. Did ya know it costs $3,000.00??? Holy Shit and did you know that it takes a person with the skills matching that of a rocket scientist to know how to work it? Can you see where I am going with this? I am terrified of this small, hand held, piece of gold nugget. All of the buttons, the sounds, the scanner bars, the bar codes oh yeah and the packages not to mention that all of this is done at the speed of light!!!
First stop of the day (this was repeated MANY times, and while I won't be doing all that many deliveries I still have to know HOW to do them in case I'm needed) I'll just number these steps for ya so that you won't get lost
uhhhh hummm
1) know where you are going.. as in which of the 9000 stops you are about to deliver to and or pick up from
2) Park big ass truck (this sounds easy enough, I mean hell I went thru the driving school right.... ummm yeah I parked in a parking lot with NO people and no personal vehicles to potentially damage... and while I wasn't even driving yesterday and probably won't be driving at all this week still it was overwhelming to see it done and to think that this will be me in a week or so)
3) Get package/packages to be delivered
4) Tell scanner which stop you are at make sure things such as shipper #'s and zip codes and all that other yadda yadda yadda fun shit are right or else God knows your scanner will hiss, spit and jump right out of your perfectly capable hands and bitch slap you (it's true and no I don't want to tell you how I know)
5) Scan package (this too sounds easy enough right... umm yeah EFFIN WRONG.... have you ever looked at a package you've gotten from Fed-Ex and seen how many different bar codes are on ONE freakin package seriously are they just itching to make my job HARDER??) so this step should say scan the CORRECT bar code
6) Close bulk head door (the door between the cab of the truck and the box of the truck) cause we don't want people looting the Fed-Ex fairy now do we? (this too would be much easier if said door did not outweigh me)
7) RUN................... did ya get that................ here let me tell you again........... EFFIN RUN up to business/ house (any way you look at it running and me.. well not a pretty sight, remind me to tell you about the one time I thought about taking running up as a healthy hobby.... umm did I mention I'm a smoker HELLO)
8) Get signature (back to the beginning I mentioned that most people don't know how to sign for a package on these scanner things they ALLLLLWAYS think you have handed them the scanner the wrong way, seriously do you think the Fed-Ex guy does this to watch you make an ass of yourself, NO you making an ass of yourself is wasting his precious time so just sign the damn box at the bottom) (also on another side note I learned NEVER to had the person the package first, cause it's just awkward and even more time consuming while they try to find a place to put the package while you are trying to get them to sign for it....)
9) Ask persons last name, because believe you me, your signature is NOT legible (also small side note here.. don't bother to spell your last name out loud WE are not going to type it in exactly how it should be spelled, hell your lucky if we don't assign you a totally new and much SHORTER last name by the time this is all said and done)
10) Type persons first initial and last name into the scanner so that you can close out the stop (yeah about the closing out of a stop thing... big eye opener for me here if you forget to close out a stop while you are actually at the stop and say remember when you are just about to deliver the next package (cause there is ALWAYS another package to be delivered/picked up) Fed-Ex sees that one was closed out and one opened within 1 minute of each other and they DING you, meaning that you don't make as much as you should... bunch of shit right? I thought so too
11) RUN.......................... yeah run your non-athletic, wheezing, panting ass back to the truck
12) JUMP............ yeah this too sounds easy but hello I'm lucky if I'm 5'3 these days and jumping up isn't one thing I've ever been all that good at, so this is not an easy task to complete 999 times!
So you think you want to be the Fed-Ex guy/gal? Did I mention you have an average of something like 1 minute 30 sec or less (actually now that I think of it, I'm sure it was less) at each stop to do all 12 of the above named steps???
Yeah.... I've got my work cut out for me. And all of this because I got into a pissing contest with my husband and his other Fed-Ex buddy (when, oh when will I learn to keep my mouth shut???)
posted by Krissi at
10:45 AM
4 Comments:
I don't know whether to congratulate you on the new job or laugh my ass off. I think that I will do both. That was the best post ever, I never thought about the FedX job that way. LOL!
you crack me up! I want front row tickets to your next day of work :)
and when do we get the taking up running story?
LOL :)
First of all, that sounds rather unpleasant compared to my days of sitting around playing with the ~reafblower~ as I call it(like Squidward)today! Oh, BTW...you really needn't run my dear, you have no weight to lose!! And another question, where is Darling Caleb through all of this? Let me guess, he's in the back videoing it all, cause if he was, you'd make millions and wouldn't have to be in above mentioned pissing contest!! But really, in light of it all, thanks for the vote of encouragement, I do need it right now!!
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