Reflection
Growing up when all of my friends were saying how they wanted to go to college to be a Dr. or a lawyer or a large animal vet I can remember only ever wanting to be one thing. That one thing to me was more important, more meaningful more life changing than any Dr. or lawyer could ever hope to be. I wanted to be a mom.
Even before the days of "Danny and Krissi" (hard to believe looking back that those days existed seeing as how we dated for so long back in the day) I knew I wanted to get married, settle down and start a family. I wanted to be able to watch my children grow (yes I said children... I used to want both a boy and a girl a lot has changed since then) help to teach them and watch them become wonderfully well adjusted adults, and to see what they would go out into the world and become. My mind would think endless thoughts of the things to come, the days we would spend doing all of the fun things that parents do with their children. I would think of the nights we would cuddle, the sweet lullabies I would sing them, how sweet their little voices would sound when saying their prayers before bed... honestly I thought about it all.
I remember the gut wrenching heart break I felt time after time I would take a pregnancy test just certain I was pregnant and to no avail that second pink or purple line would never show. I remember having to watch so many of my friends and family start their families when they least expected it, not trying, sometimes not wanting to have a child... and still nothing.
I still remember January 7, 2005 when I took the most important, life changing pregnancy test. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I remember taking it, laying it on the back of the toilet and going on about my morning getting ready to go to work.
I remember the night before I took it that Danny and I got into a fight because I usually would have bought one of those cheap Wal-Mart brand tests that always lead to heart ache but for some reason or another I bought one at the pharmacy next door to where I worked and it was expensive, Danny was pissed that I paid so much for it seeing as how he knew and I knew that I was not pregnant.
I remember walking back into the bathroom to check it just before I went in to wake Danny up, and I remember seeing one dark puprle line and one faint purple line that I had wanted so badly to see and the fact that my heart skipped a beat (ok in all honesty I think it skipped several, hell it's a miracle I'm still alive and didn't just fall over dead right then and there from shock). I remember the tears just flowing down my cheeks, I remember crying so hard when I woke Danny up that he thought something was really wrong. (I still have that test in a drawer in my bathroom.. yeah yeah we won't even get into how gross it is that I have a stick that has 3 year old pee on it)
Now that Caleb has been in our lives for over 3 years, some days it is easy to forget what we or really I had to go through to get him here. It was so difficult to concieve him and there were so many scares along the way throughout my pregnancy, bed rest, hormones, boils from hell, you name it happened to me or I did it and all the while ever so thankful to be pregnant and scared to death that I would lose him before I ever got him here.
But alsa he is here and he is a happy, healthy, all be it rotten little boy. Who some days I could throw my hands up in the air and call it quits because of and some days like today I could lay on the couch and snuggle with all day long.
I have to remind myself often to be thankful for the gifts that God himself has given me, it's too easy to get frustrated and only see the negative things in our lives some days. Some days I just have to stop and remember how I got where I am in my life and just how worth it life has become.
Even before the days of "Danny and Krissi" (hard to believe looking back that those days existed seeing as how we dated for so long back in the day) I knew I wanted to get married, settle down and start a family. I wanted to be able to watch my children grow (yes I said children... I used to want both a boy and a girl a lot has changed since then) help to teach them and watch them become wonderfully well adjusted adults, and to see what they would go out into the world and become. My mind would think endless thoughts of the things to come, the days we would spend doing all of the fun things that parents do with their children. I would think of the nights we would cuddle, the sweet lullabies I would sing them, how sweet their little voices would sound when saying their prayers before bed... honestly I thought about it all.
I remember the gut wrenching heart break I felt time after time I would take a pregnancy test just certain I was pregnant and to no avail that second pink or purple line would never show. I remember having to watch so many of my friends and family start their families when they least expected it, not trying, sometimes not wanting to have a child... and still nothing.
I still remember January 7, 2005 when I took the most important, life changing pregnancy test. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I remember taking it, laying it on the back of the toilet and going on about my morning getting ready to go to work.
I remember the night before I took it that Danny and I got into a fight because I usually would have bought one of those cheap Wal-Mart brand tests that always lead to heart ache but for some reason or another I bought one at the pharmacy next door to where I worked and it was expensive, Danny was pissed that I paid so much for it seeing as how he knew and I knew that I was not pregnant.
I remember walking back into the bathroom to check it just before I went in to wake Danny up, and I remember seeing one dark puprle line and one faint purple line that I had wanted so badly to see and the fact that my heart skipped a beat (ok in all honesty I think it skipped several, hell it's a miracle I'm still alive and didn't just fall over dead right then and there from shock). I remember the tears just flowing down my cheeks, I remember crying so hard when I woke Danny up that he thought something was really wrong. (I still have that test in a drawer in my bathroom.. yeah yeah we won't even get into how gross it is that I have a stick that has 3 year old pee on it)
Now that Caleb has been in our lives for over 3 years, some days it is easy to forget what we or really I had to go through to get him here. It was so difficult to concieve him and there were so many scares along the way throughout my pregnancy, bed rest, hormones, boils from hell, you name it happened to me or I did it and all the while ever so thankful to be pregnant and scared to death that I would lose him before I ever got him here.
But alsa he is here and he is a happy, healthy, all be it rotten little boy. Who some days I could throw my hands up in the air and call it quits because of and some days like today I could lay on the couch and snuggle with all day long.
I have to remind myself often to be thankful for the gifts that God himself has given me, it's too easy to get frustrated and only see the negative things in our lives some days. Some days I just have to stop and remember how I got where I am in my life and just how worth it life has become.
posted by Krissi at
12:02 PM
2 Comments:
I bet it was hard to want to be so pregnant and not get it for so long. I'm glad you got your little man. It was so easy for me to get knocked up, it scares me. The days of me wanting 4 or 5 kids are OVER!
I thought I was the only one in the world that had saved their pregnancy test!! Mine is under the sink too! Gross, huh?? Ahh, I truly admire your post, its very heartfelt and we should all remember where we are and how we got there.
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