Once again I find myself sitting here wondering why it's taken me so long to post, maybe its because this thing called life just keeps kicking my ass every time I sit down to write!
A lot has been going on with our family in the past few weeks, a lot of things that have not been pleasant, a lot of things have been just down right hard to deal with, and while I've wanted to post about them and seek the opinions of my loyal and royal readers I've been more reserved and have kept them to myself. However today I would like to open up about one thing that is going on (and just ask for what we called "unspoken" prayer for the rest of the things that are going on with some members of my family).
This past weekend my grandmother had a massive stroke, this past Tuesday Caleb and I made a flying trip to Mena to go see her and spend, what might possibly be the last moments we may ever share with her, at her bedside.
My grandmother is the epitome of a woman after God's own heart. The life she has lead would be enough to (in my mind) write her own book in the bible. After marrying my grandfather at a very young age they went on to have 8 children (move over Duggar's, and Jon and Kate have nothing on my grandparents) 7 boys and 1 girl. Now the 7 boys alone would make any woman who raised them without losing her sanity or removing her husbands testicles as he slept a saint in my book. A few of my uncles managed to singlehandedly put the majority of the grey hairs on her head pulling stunts like crashing cars and having to be bailed out of jail time and time again but not the one girl, nope the lone girl was always the laid back one, the one who saw all the trouble her brothers caused and vowed not to do the same she was the baby of the family.... oh did I mention that the lone girl is my mother :) I have a few stories on my mom that I could tell but oh how she would kill me, so I'll save those for another post.
My grandfather passed away 7 years ago, he and my grandmother were married 70 years when he died and the loss that we all felt as a family could not have been so much as a scratch compared to the pain my grandmother must have felt.
We all thought that losing my grandpa would be more than she could bare, but she surprised us all, she continued to get up day after day and continued to live her life. She was thrilled when visitors came and sad when they left. She continued to welcome new grandchildren and great grandchildren all the while silently wishing for him to be by her side (or at least that is what I think). Her health has steadily declined over the last two years, she has been bedridden for most of it, yet aside from a few bouts of confusion every now and again and a few mini strokes shes done remarkably well.
When we would go to visit our topic of conversation often went to Colorado (my grandparents had a beautiful place there on the river and she loved it) she wanted to go back there just once more she would say, although we all knew that wasn't an option. She was always interested in our lives, what we were doing, where we were going and this boy of mine was always #1 topic of conversation. She knew the pride a momma has in her boys and she made sure to stroke my ego when it came to Caleb, every chance she got.
Tuesday was one of the hardest days of my life, for more reasons than I can even begin to explain. She no longer has use of the right side of her body what so ever, she cannot close her mouth, she has trouble swallowing, she cannot speak, she does not recognize people and the light that used to be in her eyes is all but gone. All of these things were told to me before I got there and while I knew it wouldn't be a walk in the park I thought I could handle it. I was wrong. I held it together as best I could while we were there, but in writing this post today I'm a breathless with sobs.
As I bent down to kiss her forehead before we left with tears in my eyes I told her that we loved her and that we were praying for her, I did not however tell her what it was that I was asking God for. As we drove away Tuesday afternoon I asked God to take her home, this is not how she would want to live, she is tired, she is weak and she is worn, she is in need of that eternally peaceful rest. I know she has lived her entire life for the moment when she will close her eyes and be with him in heaven, I know she is looking forward to seeing not only my grandfather but two of her sons that passed on before her, I know this is the prayer she would want for me to pray, I know these tears that are streaming down my face are not for her but are for me and for the loss that I know is coming the loss that I already feel.
Please pray for me and for our family.