God's sense of humor
So today, while feeling like crap (insert sympathetic ohhhh poooor baby here) I went to work and busted my butt (ok maybe not busted my butt, but still worked pretty hard). For some reason or another I had 3 deliveries to make on top of all of my daily pick ups (see this is the part where I tell my husband that I DO NOT DO DELIVERIES, I do pick ups... this way I ALWAYS know where I'm going and I don't drive aimlessly around looking for houses that I SWEAR are on the map but no where in sight) none the less all 3 of these deliveries were in the big fat middle of NO WHERE!
It was at one of these deliveries that I realized that God himself has one heck of a sense of humor.
I pulled up to this amazingly beautiful mansion of a house, taking note of the fact that no one was home (no cars parked outside), scan the package to be delivered when up on my scanner pops this message saying that it has to be signed for only by the person to whom it is addressed "well crap" I think (usually if it is a home delivery we can just scan it, driver release it and leave it on the porch for the happy people to find when they get home) so I go up to this HUGE house ring the door bell and wait for no one to answer the door.
Its as I am standing at the front door like an idiot, waiting for no one to answer that I hear dogs barking and the longer I listen I realize that they all sound like small barks coming from the garage of this house "shuuuu" (me wiping the sweat off my forehead) then I realize that there is one very distinct, very large sounding bark that I keep hearing and for some reason this one doesn't sound so "in the garage" to me.
(mind you I am very far away from my truck at this point, and while peeing in my pants still standing at the front door of this house, this dogs house, where I shouldn't even be in the first place the thoughts of these nice people who live there pulling into their drive way finding my dismembered body in the jaws of their dog at their front door, with a package they still haven't signed for... just isn't sitting really well with me)
think Krissi... think fast... "Dear God, please don't let it be some big ol German Shepard dog, Please God anything but a big ol German Shepard" my quick prayer went up (mind you I still had not seen this dog as it was around the corner of the garage from me) ever so slowly I begin to gage the distance between the front door of this house and the FAR side of my truck (as any good Fed-Ex driver would do, the passenger side door is locked!!!!! DAMN) and even more slowly I begin to take teeny tiny steps toward the edge of the porch to see what and where this dog was, the whole time hoping to see some maimed, 3 legged, old ass decrepit dog......
As soon as I saw him (or her not really sure which it was) I knew God has one HUGE not so "funny ha ha" sense of humor!
ROTTWEILER!!!! BIG, HEALTHY, SHINY, STALKY, MAMMOTH ROTTWEILER!!!
I think I shit myself right then and there!
"Dear Mr. and Mrs. people with the really nice house,
Sorry to shit on your porch, but in all fairness your Rottweiler (who turned out to be VERY nice, but still looked the part of a psychotic killer) was the cause for the mass exodus of what ever was in my digestive tract at the time. I did leave the door knocker on your front door and no, I don't think your package got any poo on it, I promise to inspect it before we make a 2nd attempt at delivery.
Signed, The Fed-Ex Girl who had to change her pants"
I cannot think of a time when I have ever been so scared in all my life. Turns out that the higher my voice got whilst talking to the "cute, handsome, oh my goodness your such a good dog" big ass Rottweiler the more the nub of a tail began to wag and the closer it got for me to pet it. By the end we were best buddies... and I am sure as hell hoping that it remembers me should I happen to be the one to attempt a 2nd delivery of this package!!
It was at one of these deliveries that I realized that God himself has one heck of a sense of humor.
I pulled up to this amazingly beautiful mansion of a house, taking note of the fact that no one was home (no cars parked outside), scan the package to be delivered when up on my scanner pops this message saying that it has to be signed for only by the person to whom it is addressed "well crap" I think (usually if it is a home delivery we can just scan it, driver release it and leave it on the porch for the happy people to find when they get home) so I go up to this HUGE house ring the door bell and wait for no one to answer the door.
Its as I am standing at the front door like an idiot, waiting for no one to answer that I hear dogs barking and the longer I listen I realize that they all sound like small barks coming from the garage of this house "shuuuu" (me wiping the sweat off my forehead) then I realize that there is one very distinct, very large sounding bark that I keep hearing and for some reason this one doesn't sound so "in the garage" to me.
(mind you I am very far away from my truck at this point, and while peeing in my pants still standing at the front door of this house, this dogs house, where I shouldn't even be in the first place the thoughts of these nice people who live there pulling into their drive way finding my dismembered body in the jaws of their dog at their front door, with a package they still haven't signed for... just isn't sitting really well with me)
think Krissi... think fast... "Dear God, please don't let it be some big ol German Shepard dog, Please God anything but a big ol German Shepard" my quick prayer went up (mind you I still had not seen this dog as it was around the corner of the garage from me) ever so slowly I begin to gage the distance between the front door of this house and the FAR side of my truck (as any good Fed-Ex driver would do, the passenger side door is locked!!!!! DAMN) and even more slowly I begin to take teeny tiny steps toward the edge of the porch to see what and where this dog was, the whole time hoping to see some maimed, 3 legged, old ass decrepit dog......
As soon as I saw him (or her not really sure which it was) I knew God has one HUGE not so "funny ha ha" sense of humor!
ROTTWEILER!!!! BIG, HEALTHY, SHINY, STALKY, MAMMOTH ROTTWEILER!!!
I think I shit myself right then and there!
"Dear Mr. and Mrs. people with the really nice house,
Sorry to shit on your porch, but in all fairness your Rottweiler (who turned out to be VERY nice, but still looked the part of a psychotic killer) was the cause for the mass exodus of what ever was in my digestive tract at the time. I did leave the door knocker on your front door and no, I don't think your package got any poo on it, I promise to inspect it before we make a 2nd attempt at delivery.
Signed, The Fed-Ex Girl who had to change her pants"
I cannot think of a time when I have ever been so scared in all my life. Turns out that the higher my voice got whilst talking to the "cute, handsome, oh my goodness your such a good dog" big ass Rottweiler the more the nub of a tail began to wag and the closer it got for me to pet it. By the end we were best buddies... and I am sure as hell hoping that it remembers me should I happen to be the one to attempt a 2nd delivery of this package!!
posted by Krissi at
11:58 PM
6 Comments:
now that's funny! you're pretty good at this blogging thing :)
Oh too funny!!
I'll snag some Adult Diapers from work and send them to you... that way you're covered next time you encounter a large furry beast.
OMG! I am totally laugh my ass off. That is the best story EVER!!!!
That's a tough way to find out it is a nice doggie!
Hilarious!! I knew you had it in you!! We women will do anything to as umm, not get killed, eh? And the men in our life, never even realize these things, do they?? Good luck with your 2nd attempt, I'd wear some plastic pants that time just in case *said Rotty* doesnt remember you!! Remember the Rotty's that Cha Cha used to have, just think of them, friendly, and will not eat me, even though in one or two bites, you could be a goner!! LOL
awwhhh a rottie! i lost a rottie in a divorce a few years back. best damn dog i ever had and i swear next dog i get will be a rott. funny thing that big bark of theirs. my rott learned hers when she was still a pup..not much to be afraid of by looking at her but sure sounded fierce.
i'm glad you didn't get dismembered! that sure would've been a shitty way to start off the new year.
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